You can pick your friends, You can pick your nose; But you cant pick your friends nose.... What true words....!

A little boy walked into a petshop and went up to a clerk. The boy asked if she had dachshunds in the store. The clerk said yes, and she went and got the dog out of the cage and handed it to him. He got all excited when he held it and immediately went to the checkout and gave the clerk a check for $100, that he said was his birthday money. He was so excited and anxious that the clerk asked why he wanted that dog so much, and not a big dog like most boys got when they came in. He replied, "I've always wanted to be a cowboy and now I can, because the song says 'Get along little dogie!'"

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what

One employee asked another, "How long have you been working here?" The second said, "Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!"

One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones.

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ........................................................ Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer th

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900, so $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years." "Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!"

Little Johnny had the flu and wasn't able to attend the Palm Sunday church service with his family. When they returned home from the service, they were carrying palm branches. "What are those?" Little Johnny asked his mother. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his mother explained. "Well, doesn't that just figure," grumbled Little Johnny. "The one Sunday I can't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk. The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that. "You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says in an astonished tone. "Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating. "Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants." The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat. "Eww..." says the

"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it." - Chinese Proverb. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.