R. B. Jones had just started a government job. Human Resources sent him a letter, instructing him that they needed his full name for their records, otherwise he could not be paid. They enclosed the proper form for him to fill out. R.B. wrote back to explain that he HAS no other names, only the initials R.B. So he filled in the form as follows: First name: R (only) Middle name: B (only) Last name: Jones Sure enough, come payday, R.B. received a pay cheque made out to Ronly Bonly Jones!

Three ministers were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church. The first minister said, "I shot at them with a shotgun, but it only spoiled the woodwork." The second said, "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!" The third (who was looking pretty smug) said, "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup, drove down to the woods, and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how he would know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked not even one was lying down. So he l

A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. ''Put these on,'' he said to his wife. She did and they were nearly twice her size. ''There's no way I can wear these. They're too big,'' she said. ''Good, now you know who wears the pants in this family.'' Flustered, the wife takes off her panties and gives them to her husband. ''Put these on,'' she commands. The husband looks at the small pair of panties and says, ''There's no way I can get into these.'' To which the wife replied, ''You're right about that until you change your attitude.''

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golf pro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children

A blond was using a pager for the first time. When the operator instructed her to key in "10" to leave a voice message, she followed and after the beep, said, "Excuse me, may I speak to Zeron please?"

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it..... Ready??? ARE YOU SURE??? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

A man decided he wanted a divorce from his wife of 30 years. After the divorce, they went their separate ways and never saw each other again. A number of years later, the woman died. When she was standing at St. Peter's Gate, he asked her "How was your life?" She replied "It was horrible. My husband of 30 years wanted a divorce, and he took everything. I was really depressed, and I died alone in a car crash." St. Peter responded, "To get into heaven, you have to spell one word." "Okay, what's the word?" "Love" The woman smiled and said "L-O-V-E" "Very good. Welcome to heaven!" A few months later, St. Peter approached the woman, and asked her if she could watch the gate for a few hours. The w

Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom.

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest!" "What for?" the mad scientist asked. And the policeman answered: For making an obscene clone fall.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?" Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, 'Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest he says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"