Yo mommas is so fat it takes a twinky and a tub of butter to get her through the door.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" "Yes," the boy's mother answered. "And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. "Who cares?" the mother replied.

I always wondered why there are so many blond jokes,but no brunettes. I asked a brunette friend of mine. "Why do you think there are no brunette jokes?" I asked her. "Well,that's a given. Blonds are too stupid to make them up."

Question: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go? Answer:In da Hood!

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question, but it will make you think. It is as it reads: No one I know got the answer right---including me. The scenario.... A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man she didn't know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy, that she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and couldn't find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer). Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at a

A smart blonde, a leprachaun and a fairy were in an elevator together talking about something, but whatever they were talking about was not true because there is no such thing as a leprechaun or a fairy or a smart blonde.

Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.

Yo momma is so fat, on her drivers' license it says, "picture continued onto other side."

If Ida Lupino married George Wendt, then divorced him to marry Ted Danson, divorced him to marry Alan Alda, then divorced him to marry Ted Knight, and divorced him to marry Shelly Long, she'd be Ida Wendt Danson Alda Knight Long. If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she'd be Whoopi Cushing. If Swoosie Kurtz married Patrick Swayze, she'd be Swoosie Swayze. If Flip Wilson married Les Aucoin, he'd be Flip Aucoin. If Barbara Hershey married John Candy, divorced him to marry Roseanne Barr, she'd be Barbara Hershey Candy Barr. If Julie Emry married Jeff Gillooly, divorced him to marry Darlene Hooley, then divorced her to marry Wes Cooley, she'd be Julie Gillooly Hooley Cooley. If Ivana

Yo Momma's so stupid she went to McDonalds and thought she could buy the whole menu for a $

Two blondes went out into the woods on a hunting trip. They are out there for several hours, and discover that they are lost! One says, "I heard that if you're lost in the woods, you fire three shots in the air, and wait for someone to come and rescue you." "Ok," says her pal, "let's do it." So they did, and waited to be rescued, but no-one came to their aid, so after an hour, they fired three more shots in the air, and waited again. It's nearly dark by now, and one says to the other, "I hope someone comes soon, we're down to our last three arrows."