Did you know that if you fart in church you have to sit in your own pew?

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them,

Q.) How does a blonde make a stainless ink pen? A.) She doesn't put ink in it.

Yo Momma is so fat, that when she finally lost her spare tire, she still had an 18 wheeler to go!

Little Johnny's father says to him, "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression her face." "OK" replied Little Johnny. Later when Little Johnny got home he said to his mom, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face." "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand

I always follow my first instinct, That is unless I second guess myself. --------------------------------------------- Why don't you have a drink, your only driving to a funeral right? --------------------------------------------- Why buy a watch from the competitor, I thought time was against us? ---------------------------------------------- You must be smart, because you just confused us all. ----------------------------------------------

Did you hear the one about the blond Think Tank? Once they got it got started, it drove through three houses and a convienence store before they figured out how to stop it.

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunken man answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunken man replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found J

General Ways to Annoy People Announce when you're going to the bathroom. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!") ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.

Yo Mama is so fat that when she has sex she has show directions!

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