Billy asked his mother, "Can I go over to Little Johnny's house and watch the magic show?" Billy's mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?" He answered, "The one Johnny's mom performs. I heard her tell Miss Figpot that she got $600 for doing six tricks last night. That must be some kind of show!"

The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" "Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response. "Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" "Yes, ma'am." "Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.' " "I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." "Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that." After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?" "Yes, ma'am." "Okay, print this: 'Cohen died. Cadillac for sale.' "

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties." Finally, fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

The Perfect Breakfast: You're sitting at the table and: your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.... your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... and your wife is on the back of the milk carton...

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . . "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuri

What starts with B, has 2 E's, and ends in R???? Birthday Cheer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all

One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the bachelor. "But I couldn't do anything with it." "Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked his friend. "You said it." The first guy replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean plate....'"

An undertaker had a busy day at work, and in front of him, was 3 new bodies that had been sent from the hospital. The first one his mouth opened wide. He then moved on to see the next body. It too had opened his mouth widely. Surprised, he went over to the last body. This body was charred and had a huge smile on his face. Feeling puzzled, he turned to ask the hospital personnel:" What actually happened to these people? "Well.." replied the personnel, "The first man died from laughing too much at a joke." "The second man died while telling a very funny joke." "The last man..well, he died while taking a picture. At least that was what he thought he was doing. He thought that the ligh

Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here." Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

CO-PILOT: Commander! We are being attacked! COMMANDER: Report your height and status! CO-PILLOT: I'm 5'11 and sittin' in the cockpit.