An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which looks black."

At the peak of the wave of East Germans fleeing through Hungary and Czechoslovakia in 1989, the persons still staying in East Germany (DDR) were called the "Der Dumme Rest" (the dumb remains).

Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in the custard.

Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant? A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile. Maid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." What on earth do you mean???" Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" 'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' 'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. 'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."