#1: When her teacher said to write an essay, she brought in a sheet of paper saying "An Essay." #2: When she caught on fire nearby a lake, she called the fire department. #3: She drank a bottle of root beer and said, "This doesn't taste like beer, or roots." #4: She gave 200 dollars to a cashier for a small bag of chips and said, "Keep the change." #5: When she heard that 1 of the 3-porta potties, each next to each other, was out of order, she walked 10 miles to the ocean. #6: When she saw an old person she said, "At least I'm young." #7: When she was suing someone, she thought that she was killing herself because she was on the counter sues side. #8: When she realized someone in weap

"Yo Momma is so fat that when she entered the elevator and pressed the 'up' button, the elevator went down!" "Oh yeah? Yo Momma is so fat that she can't even fit in the elevator!!"

You might be a redneck if... You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!"

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." "Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"

"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?" The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."

Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down. It's called "The History of Glue"!

I've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased. The only drawback is that it's seasonal work.

A boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, "Why are you so late?" The boy replies, "I stopped two boys from beating each other up." The teacher says, "That's very nice; how did you do that?" The boy says, "I beat them both up!"

One night a bartender who was working at a local joint was very drunk. His fiancee left him a long time ago and he was very desperate so he started using alcohol as a substitute. A little later that night a blond walked in late at night and sat down. The blond was cute young and very flirty. So a little later she started flirting with the bartender. He started to get the drift that she was flirting and started flirting very heavily with her back. A little later she felt something and before she could stand to go to the restroom she had her period right there she quickly sat back and felt mortified praying the bartender did not notice anything. He didn't so she started ordering lots of

An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts. The man asks "Was that me, or you?"

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which looks black."