I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born.

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a moment, then gasped - "Didn't you get my E-mail?" A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph, and of course baby Jesus. However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."

A priest was assigned a small church in the Alaskan backwoods. After a couple of years, the bishop stopped by to see how he was doing. "Ah, Bishop, it's really lonely here. I couldn't have made it without my Rosary and two martinis a day." The bishop replied, "You know, a martini would taste good right now." The priest agreed and yelled into the kitchen, "Hey, Rosary! Fix us a couple of martinis, will ya!?"

How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung? When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat.

How can you tell an elephant from an ant? An ant is easier to pick up!

What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog? A flying car-pet!

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears." "You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."

An elderly couple were on a road trip and stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. They finished their lunch and it wasn't until they were back on the highway that the old woman realized she had left her glasses behind at the restaurant. They had to continue on the highway for quite some distance before they were able to find a spot to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too!"

A Blonde asks a woman, "Excuse me, what time is it right now?" The woman replies, "It's 11:25PM." The Blonde with a confused look on her face replies, "You know, it's the weirdest thing. I've asked that question thirty times today and every time someone gives me a different answer."

Back in the days of old, Before condoms were invented, Knights wrapped socks Around their cocks, And babies were prevented.

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation the lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her. However, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."