Popular Jokes
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
The university's gymnasium hallway displayed basketball team pictures from the past forty years.
In every photo, one player, sitting front row center, held a basketball identifying the year of the team: 94-95, 95-96, 96-97, 97-98, etc.
One day, a senior on the basketball team noticed a cute, blonde freshman cheerleader staring curiously at the photos. The senior, hoping to score a few points off the court, commented about the team's history.
Impressed, the cute, blonde freshman cheerleader said: "Isn't it amazing how the teams always won by just one point?"
1. Why are little children sweet-tooths? They keep crying when they can't have candy.
2. Why are little children kindergarteners? Um... they're still learning basic skills, are they not?
3. Why are little children such blanket-connected people? They have read too many Peanut strips and can't resist but be Linus.
4. Why are little children people who like to joke around? They hear their dad's joke with them too often.
Dogs...
...steal your food.
...eat all of your tennis balls.
...make you pick up their waste products.
...take all of your covers.
...eat out of the trash.
...beg.
...bark loudly at 1:00 in the morning.
...drink out of the toilet, while it still has poo in it.
...have accidents, on your floor.
And you call you dog your BEST friend,
I can't imagine what your other friends do.
Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have?
Justin: Huge hands sir
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.
Pluto because it's no longer a planet.
10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.
7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
5) Your idea of romance is handholding.
4) You answer the question, "How are you?" with, "We're fine."
3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable, not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.
2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest
"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane."
"Il compagno spiacente, questo è un farmacista."
During a break at work, John and Steve are chit-chatting about what happened the previous night:
John: "OK, well last night the wife and I decided to go see a play. I waited for 10 minutes downstairs for her to get ready, and we got on our way. So, we're driving down the street, when suddenly a car from oncoming traffic swerves into our lane! I quickly gripped the wheel, and turned out of the way. I hit the guardrail, so my car spun out, took 2 flips in the air, and landed in the ditch at the side of the road. But - guess what? My wife and I crawled out of the car WITHOUT a scratch. What do you think?"
Steve: "I...I just can't believe it."
John: "I know, right? Isn't it unbelievable how
I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.
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