Popular Jokes
The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.
"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".
"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there
Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.
Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.
When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!
Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"
Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!
Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.
Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."
Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.
Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too).
If there is m
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well, get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are here to welcome me." - Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." â Colette
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled ove
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking.
The good father was able to convince Paddy that, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and could not get that thought out of his mind. He couldn't sleep for a week worrying about the priest's threat and finally said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, "This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!"
A woman was taking a shower when the doorbell rang, so she put on a towel and answered it. It's her neighbor Bob. Now, Bob has this huge crush on her, but she's already married.
Bob says to her, "If you drop your towel, I will give you $5,000." She is thinking that she could use the money, so she says yes, drops the towel, gets her money, and pulls her towel back up.
Her husband comes along and asks, "Who was that?" She replied that it was Bob. The man saw the money in her hand and said, "Finally, Bob repaid us that $5,000 he owed us!"
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