A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it. He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?" The women replied, "June." She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling. June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?" Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

Q:What do you call a 300-pound stripper? A:broke

Your mama's so old, she farted and dust came out.

Yo Momma is so fat she put on a red coat, walked outside, and everyone started yelling, "Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid"

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

One Monday morning, a mailman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes, Bob, a homeowner, was coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend," the mailman commented. Bob replied, "We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?'" "How do you play that?" the mailman asked. Bob continued, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body. One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses. Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingenious. "No," the third student said. "You're both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

A man and his wife were arguing when the man commented smugly, "You know, women talk so much! They talk twice as much as man do!" The wife thought for a while and said, "The reason women talk so much is because they have to repeat everything they say." The man frowned. Then he said, "What?"

Your Momma's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles people SLOW DOWN!

Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to but... People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. I'd love to but... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. I'd love to but... I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator". I'd love to but... I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. I'd love to but... My yucca plant is feeling yucky. I'd love to but... I'm touring China with a wok band. I'd love to but... My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. I'd love to but... I never go out on days that end in "Y". I'd love to but... My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

The following diet has been circulated at one of the local clinics. Some may find it stimulating. BREAKFAST: --------- 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz skim milk LUNCH: ------ 4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo Cookie Herb tea MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: ------- Rest of package of Oreos 1 qt. rocky road ice cream 1 jar hot fudge DINNER: ------- 2 loaves garlic bread Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza Large pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway) 3 Milky Way bars Entire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer. DIET TIPS If no one sees you eat it --- it has no calories. If you drink a

If you want to make someone laugh, use this line: Sorry. say that again. I couldn't hear you over my fart.