Little johnny was going to school. Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes. "Can I have a piece of candy?" he said. "Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else." "Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy." "You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small." "I want candy." "Ok kid here you go; infinite candy." "Cool, thank you." "Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day." "But I still have 3 wishes.."

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped

The Tearful Bride... A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," you don't understand. "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!" "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state

A woman was missing her boyfriend, so she decided to write him the following brief letter: Dear Anthony, I've been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool... nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Kathy xoxo P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery...

Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, it's pointless.

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?" A few minutes later, Tony returned. "Well, is she all right?" asked the mother. "She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony. "At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?" Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control. 2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children. 3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 4. Gay marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful. 5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal. 6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said "Stop or slow down, what's the difference?" The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"

Two women friends had gone for a Girls' Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they made off for home. The next day the first woman's