A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again! "And what would you like for Christmas?" he asked little Johnny. Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, "You really need to write these things down."

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."

How does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act.

A couple are getting married in a big fancy church with all of the relatives and friends in attendance. The priest is going through the nomal procedure and when he comes to the part "If anyone objects to the union of these two people in Holy Matrimony let them speak now or for ever hold their peace". A redneck in the back row jumps up and hollers "I object, I am in love with her and she's carrying my baby!" As the gathering gasps in surprise the redneck runs up the aisle, shoves the groom aside and rips off the brides veil. After a moment of silence the redneck exclaims, "Hey you ain't my sister!"

Does anyone know why I have nightmares? Because the last man that had a "dream" got shot.

This is funny

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

Your email address ends in "@over.yonder.com". You have a bumper sticker on your truck that says "My other computer is a laptop". You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder" and "Reckon". You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on. Your laptop has a sticker on it that says "Protected by Smith & Wesson". You've used jumper cables to wire your network. Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go" and you still don't miss her. You start all your emails with "Hey Bubba", or "Howdy Y'all".

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco stains on both sides of his pickup.