An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?" "He was your doctor."

A woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. She heard the waiter call, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!" At the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate. When asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.

A blonde was filling out an application form. She quickly filled in the columns for Name; Age; Address et c. When she came to the column Salary Expected, she put "Yes." At an air show, the blonde turned to her partner and said, "I wouldn't like to be up there in one of those!" Her partner replied, "I wouldn't like to be up there without one." A blond farmer had a donkey had refused to go under a bridge, and when she measured the donkey and the bridge, found that the donkey was 6 inches too tall to go under. She got a hammer and chisel, and was cutting two grooves for the donkey's ears when a passer-by suggested she dig a groove in the ground for the donkey's feet. "Don't be so daft," she s

The blonde arrived at work, looking very bleary-eyed and tired. "What's wrong with you?" asked her friend. "I was up half the night," came the reply. "And why was that?" "I was waiting for the cat to come home, so I could put her out for the night."

This is how Army policy all begins... Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Continue, until when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes at

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on." The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother see

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, the man said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?" "Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I-I tried," the man sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." Thanking the priest, the man hurried off. When confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.

There were three guys at an award ceremony for their school: a not-so-smart one, an average one, and a smart one. The not-so-smart one proudly boasts, "I'm going to receive an award today!" The average one was a bit skeptical about this and asks, "What kind of award will that be?" Before the not-so-smart on was able to reply, the smart one said, "The Most Improved Award."

Why don't witches wear panties? To get a better grip on their broom.

Two Saudis emigrated to America with their families. On the plane ride over they made a bet about who could become more "Americanized" in their first year. As agreed, they met exactly one year later. The first guy pulled up in his Hummer and said to the second guy "I win. There's no way you can beat me: I just dropped my son off at Little League, I'm on my way to pick my daughter up from cheerleading practice, and I stopped at McDonalds on my way here." And the second guy said "Fuck you, towelhead!"

That I would never watch the news, and I would be totally out of touch with the world happenings. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up. That I could change so much and barely realize it. That college kids throw airplanes too. That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and ace a test. (I know a bunch of us are testimony to this one!) That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years. That I would become one of those people that my parents warned me about. That the more money your parents give you, the less you have every time you check your account!