You know you're a redneck when you mow your lawn and find 10 cars.

How do you know if you're a redneck? If you go to a cousin's wedding looking for a girlfriend.

A redneck taped toilet paper to his television. He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook. 3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.) 4. Address the professor as "your excellency". 5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!" 6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers. 7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking. 8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent. 9. Sit in the

1) You're so poor that when somebody rings the doorbell you have to stick your head out the window and yell, "Ding-Dong!" 2) You're so poor that when I asked if I could use the bathroom at your house your mom gave me two sticks, one to hold the ceiling up and one to fight the cockroaches. 3) You're so poor that your house is 5 square yards, one floor and no walls. 4) You're so poor that your house is very dark because you can't afford a light bulb. 5) You're so poor that you live in an out-house.

Things You Learn from Video Games There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force. If it moves, DESTROY IT! Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. One lone "good guy" can defeat an infinite number of "badguys." Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground. You can break things and get away with it. You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it. If someone dies, they disappear. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. You can operate all weapons without training. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again. Death is reversible (only for you!) Ninjas

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

ere is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge. Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal Open the file, please Hal Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found

Alabama • A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms. • Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. • An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m. • Bear wrestling matches are prohibited. • Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. • Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate. • Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. • Hunting is not allowed on Sunday. • Incestuous marriages are legal. • It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. • It is illegal to imp

A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven. The man decides to ask. He takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, "Which hole did my fart come out of?" St. Peter replies, "That's easy; this one," and he points to a hole. The man smiles and says, "Nope! It came out of this one!" and he points to his ass.

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger. Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence. "Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!" The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, ass

To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.