It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!" The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge."

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President." Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?" The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes, ma'am, I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am," replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

The oldest Yo Momma joke in the book: Yo momma so fat that she's fat.

Can You Decipher This Phrase? B O N E S Broken bones!

Woman: I did something special today. Man: What? Woman: I rode on a hippo. Man: Surely you musn't be kidding. Woman: Yes I'm not kidding and don't call me Shirley.

Whats the object of Jewish football? To get the quarter back.

Here are some excuses... 1. My kids are locked outside. 2. My kids are locked inside. 3. My kids are stuck in the door. 4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies. 5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies - she's much better. Now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying. 6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose mete

Now, my brother ALWAYS daydreams. He just can't help it. He also likes getting me to feel bad. I just got a new IPod and my brother says whenever I put it in my ears that i have turned into a zombie. When we were out for a bike ride down through the park he wouldn't stay left (We live in the southern hemisphere) and so other people on the track had to move to the right to get past. I screamed out to him to go left when i had my IPod in and he said "What." I said "Left, L-E-F-T. Gosh you can't hear anything when you daydream." And his response was "No you can't hear anything with your IPod in, I know what you said, you said FELT." I wonder who is the one that can't hear?

One night a bartender who was working at a local joint was very drunk. His fiancee left him a long time ago and he was very desperate so he started using alcohol as a substitute. A little later that night a blond walked in late at night and sat down. The blond was cute young and very flirty. So a little later she started flirting with the bartender. He started to get the drift that she was flirting and started flirting very heavily with her back. A little later she felt something and before she could stand to go to the restroom she had her period right there she quickly sat back and felt mortified praying the bartender did not notice anything. He didn't so she started ordering lots of

One day a cat was being trapped be a evil dog. The evil dog said"barkity kalis hed resaw miop gas." The cat said "has that going to break the spppeeel?" Then the dog let the cat out. The next day, the cat trapped the dog. Then it happens every day with thhe same words.

I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, "SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD". Oooh, it made me cross!