Knock knock? Who's there? Madame. Madame who? Madame foot is stuck in the door!! (My damn foot is stuck in the door.)

You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout." "I have whooping cough!" "Where did my bandage go?" "I think I'm going to puke." "I can compare myself to Rachel Ray! NOT!" "If I mess up one more time, I'm turning this blade on you." "I summon up my Eighth Amendment Right!" "I wanted to be an executioner!" "Burp!" "I just live here." "What color the meat is, I don't care! I'm not even wearing any underwear!" "Man, this place just stunk up bad." "You want fries with that?" "Johnny, my meat is on fire!" "Surreal."

Yo momma's so fat, that when she went to the doctor, he did an ultrasound test.

How does the barber cut the moon's hair? E-clipse it

Little Johnny's Joke Little Johnny was sitting on his backyard swing set with some of his sixth grade schoolmates one Saturday when they started to tell some jokes to each other. Little Susie started off by saying, "Knock, knock?" Everyone answered, "Who's there?" Susie says, "Boo!" Everyone replied, "Boo who?" To which Susie said, "Why are you all crying?" and everyone broke out laughing. At this point, Little Johnny got up and started into his joke, "Hey, did you all hear about the prostitute who got fingered by Captain Hook?" Immediately, Little Johnny's mother, who was nearby watering the roses and had heard Little Johnny start off, came rushing over and shouted, "Alright Little J

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there, two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning, Sisters," and they reply, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest, who thought he had been very polite, but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning, Brother." The Brother replies, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning, Father." The priest replies, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the p

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that - and I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a

I was recently riding with a friend of mine. We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives. We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!" He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."

Once, a man walked into a bar. He went up to the counter and ordered his drink. The guy next to him had a bowl of chili that he didnt seem to be eating. "Sir, could I bother you for some chili?" he asked very politely. "Go right ahead" he responded, passing the chili. About half way through, he saw there was a rat at the bottom of the chili. In repsonse to this he puked the chili back up. At this time the man next to him stared. "Funny thats farther than I got," he said.

Little Johnny was playing in the playground when he looks over and sees two teenagers having sex. He runs over to his mum who tells him that they are making 'cupcakes'. He then goes on and continues playing. He then sees two 20 year olds getting naked in the sand box. He runs over to his mum and asks what they are doing. She again tells him that they are making 'cupcakes'. The next morning Little Johnny's mum asked him if he had a good sleep. He replies no. He then goes on "You and daddy were making a lot of noise when you were making 'cupcakes' last night". She Replies "And how do you know we were making "cupcakes?" He then says with a huge grin on his face. "I licked the icing off the

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.