Q: What did one chart say to the other? A: "My! You're awfully graphic!"

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . . DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the

How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!

Teacher: Billy why are you late? Billy: Because the sign said "Children Slow"

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the

If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. I am loyal to my employer at all costs.Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every day. I couldn't work under those conditions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. My goal is to be a meteorologist, but since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. The company made me a scapegoa

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck th

A pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheels while he sat in the tree." The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your undies?" "Ohhhh" said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars." The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Here is some random advice to make you smile... MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips. The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile... If you have sex 365 times a year, and if you melted down all of the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it? A fuckin Goodyear! Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Big Bad Wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift her top so he could suck her tits. "No," she said while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fuckin book says!" A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The rooster exclaimed, "A