Popular Jokes
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it,
Said he with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!
In Utah, the following laws are on the books:
1) Birds have the rightaway on all highways.
2)It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
3) In Tremonton, it is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance.If you are caught doing so the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper.
4) In Trout Creek, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
Original Lyric
Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey,
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.
Shakespearean Style.
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within,
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke;
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke - banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.
The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "Sex and Candy."
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares." and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka
"Did ya hear I got married?"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She's rich."
"Oh, that's good!"
"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She was in it."
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Home
