A successful, wealthy and very arrogant bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault... "YOU STUPID REDNECK!" shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls. "Now how am I gonna get outa this?" though the redneck to himself. Then he had an idea... After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability". Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sa

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!!!

A man walked into the ladies department of a store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences b

You're getting old when... your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of the police. "Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today." "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens dere." Sven reaches und

A candidate brought dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The superintendent just gave a glimpse at this candidate, as he passed by, as it is common to have students trying their luck. Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table. Half an hour later, the candidate sat up, and started tossing the dice again The superintendent felt curious, and approached the candidate. Superintendent : "Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again, since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?" Candidate : "Sir, I have to double check my answers"

Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon!

Are you a technical geek? Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes. You know you are a technical geek when . . . When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply, "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs