A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirat

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied!!

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

There was a Polish man and an American on the street corner. The American man wanted to see if the Polish really were stupid. The Polish man replied, "No, you stupid American, we are not." The American then puts his hand in front of a metal pole, and tells the Polish man, he's sorry to hit him for it. When he goes to hit him, the American moves his hand, leaving the Polish man crying. The Polish man then puts his hand in front of his face and says, "What now?" The Polish man went to the hospital. The entire time he was there, he insisted he screw the room lightbulb in himself.

Why are they called old sayings? Are they really old? If someone came up with a new one, would it be a new saying? "A penny saved is a penny earned." Who cares about a penny? A more appropriate version would be, "A penny saved is absolutely worthless. Try a quarter next time." "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Why? What if apples went extinct? What would happen then? What if you were allergic to them? What if your dad was a doctor? Would that keep him away? "Ignorance is bliss." I though bliss was a GOOD thing... "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched." But you can't! Before they are hatched, they'd be EGGS. "Ask no questions and hear no lies." But what if they tell th

This is a certified true story. One of the instructors at the local training centre decided to try to pull the leg of one the labourers who worked there. He told the lad, who lived in a little fishing port about 12 miles away, that there was a job coming available soon in his home town. The lad asked what job this was, and was told that the job was not very arduous, but paid good money because it involved unsocial hours, going out to the end of the 679 meter pier twice a day and telling the tide when it was time to come in. "You must think I'm soft", he said, and the boys thought he'd twigged, only for him to restore their faith in his stupidity - "That sort of job is handed down from father

Billy: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade! Eddie: Really! who? Billy: My teacher!

Yo momma so skinny, when it's pouring outside, she can dodge the raindrops

Yo Momma's so stupid she went to McDonalds and thought she could buy the whole menu for a $

Yo momma so old, when she was a kid the rainbows were black and white.

Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.

Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. "What if she's really ugly and I hate her?" he complained. "Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack," Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it. He went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. "Hi, I'm your blind date!" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.