A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Three roommates: a blonde, brunette, and redhead all go out on dates one night. When they get back in the blonde says, "You know you've been on a good date when your make-up is all smeared!" The brunette says, "No, no, you know you've been on a good date when you come home and your hair is all messed up." The redhead doesn't say anything she just reaches up under her skirt, pulls off her panties, and throws them against the wall, where they stick, and says, "NOW THAT'S A GOOD DATE!!"

A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing. "Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am?" the officer asked. "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children," the woman replied. "Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children." "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.

A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation. The driver becomes belligerent telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket "go away". While the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults. Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies. The driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offering, so the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you." The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would a

An elderly couple were on a road trip and stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. They finished their lunch and it wasn't until they were back on the highway that the old woman realized she had left her glasses behind at the restaurant. They had to continue on the highway for quite some distance before they were able to find a spot to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too!"

Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!

A blonde, carrying a baby in her arms, enters a pharmacy and asks to use the infant scale to weigh the baby. The clerk explains that the infant scale is out for repair, but she could figure out the infant's weight by weighing mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "Oh, that will never work!" groaned the blonde. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt!"

Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up." The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, "I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"

Why do they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. (Apologies to anyone who's offended - but it IS funny, which is the only valid test of a joke; if it's funny and someone is offended by it, considering WHY they're offended even though it's a joke can provide insight into their attitude toward the topic.) "I learned the truth from Lenny Bruce" - Paul Simon.

Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one? Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Whoa, time out. Football is on. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning! Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

People who want to inform you of their religious views almost never want to hear yours.