I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . . then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A man, trying to understand the nature of God, asked Him, "God, how long is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years is like a minute." Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "A million dollars is like a penny." Finally, the man asked, "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

My dog Minton has eaten my shuttle cock. Bad Minton!

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water. A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his

My girl told me she was trying to lose weight, so I said, "Do whatever makes you happy inside. Just keep in mind that your weight's just a number. There's no number in the world to measure how beautiful you are . . . unless you include negative numbers."

I got a new dog last week. She's a black lab and border collie mix, and still a puppy. I take her with me everywhere I go. But when I took her to the vet to get her shots, they told me I had to put her down. I've only had this dog for a week. Seven days. I wanted to keep holding her.

Titanic Video vs Clinton Video TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book!

A man is walking down the docks when he sees a quadriplegic woman crying in a corner. Trying to be a nice guy he walks up and asks her what's wrong. "I've never been hugged." replies the woman. The man figures it would be a nice thing to do, so he picks her up and hugs her. She smiles. Then her face drops and she starts crying again. "What's the matter now?" asks the man. "I've never been kissed," says the woman. The man leans down and kisses the woman on the lips for a brief moment. The woman smiles for a bit, then starts sobbing again. The man, a bit annoyed, asks her again what's wrong. The woman replies, "Because I don't have arms and legs I've never been screwed." The man picks up t

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

How do you turn a blonde into a brunette? Make her do a cartwheel!

What do you call a blonde which is as sweet as a pickle and has dirty blonde hair? A sweet potatoe!