Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them,

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted). English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Miller In class assignment for Wednesday: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. Th

A boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, "God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!"

"Wow," said Joan after she saw that her friend got glasses. "You like my new glasses?", asked Peter. "Yep. They make you look really smart.", replied Joan. "I know. That's what my mom said. That's why I wear them in math class."

Yo mama is so ugly, that they pushed her face into cookie dough to make gorilla cookies.

If a man is in a forest, talking to himself, with no women around, is he still wrong? If a woman is in a forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining? -------------------------------------------------------- Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is "I am"? Did you know that the longest sentence is "I do"? -------------------------------------------------------- Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it, chances are that you won't either.

How women think about sex: At 8, ignore it. At 18, experience it. At 28, look for it. At 38, ask for it. At 48, beg for it. At 58, pay for it. At 68, pray for it. At 78, forget it.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Three men are sitting next to a dead guy. The first one can only say, "Yup! Yup! Yup!" The second one can say, "Forks and Knives. Forks and knives." Finally, the third one can say, "Goddie, goodie gumdrops! Goodie, goodie gumdrops!" A cop comes by and asks the first one if he killed the man. Unable to say anything else, he says, "Yup! Yup! Yup!" Then he asks the second man, "What weapons did you use?" The second man says, "Forks and Knives. Forks and knives." Astonished, he is taken back for a second and then tells them all that they will go to jail. The third man tries to plead, "Goddie, goodie gumdrops! Goodie, goodie gumdrops!"

Yo mamma is so nasty that she can help stop air pollution by not breathing.

The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!