McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. At this point, several of the children giggle. "I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' wa

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

A few interesting public/police interactions: GOOD: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting too many. Then, he discovered the problem. A 10-year old boy was standing up the road from him with a hand-painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a younger accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of the $40. The police department responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST: A young woman was pulled over for

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

One day, after I took my dog to the vet, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some milk. So I left my dog in the car with the window rolled down so she could breathe. Because my dog is small, she could fit through the window of the car, but she is well trained enough to follow my commands. So I told her, "Stay. Stay there, don't move. Staaay." A man loading his car with groceries next to me said, "You know, usually, I just put it in park!"

What do you call it when you hear Vrrrrm.ERT.Vrmmm.Ert? Answer: A Blond at A Blinking Red Light.

Yo momma's so stupid... She site on the T.V and watches the couch.

What kind of flashlight do blonds use? The solar powered kind!

A handsome mid-age couple, John and Gail, like living in Texas. Even though they have lived in Texas most of their married life John never had a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale at Sheplers one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Gail looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated John storms off in to the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Gail looks up and says, "John, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be h

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, a cell phone for their first anniversary. Susie was excited about the phone and the next day, while shopping, it rang and to her surprise, it was her husband. "Hi, Susie," he said. "How do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand ..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"