Popular Jokes
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.'
'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep.
'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'
A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "Oh, about one penny."
Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him.
God replied, "Oh, about a second."
Then the man asked. "Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?"
God replied, "Sure, just wait a sec."
Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described the event to our friends.
US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well.
"After about ten minutes, it became really annoying.
"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating becaus
1. Happy Anniversery!
2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!??
3.Do I look fat in this?
4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!?
5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends!
6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant.
7.Here's 100 dollars!
8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses.
9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight?
10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!
The Bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling, "She's in the BATHROOM!
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.
As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah,
NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!
Stupid Things Said In The World Of Soccer:
1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidescope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other needs to sco
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