You might be a redneck if... You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.

Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today. Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have? Customer: A clean menu!

Little Jimmy was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Jimmy hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!" His mother was so embarrassed. "James, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!" For the next month Little Jimmy was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, his mother again took him to the same mall. Sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them. Had Little Jimmy learned anything from the great bard? Yes. This time, as the man approached, Little Jimmy cried out, "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in paren

Try this on a friend: Every time you say something, tell the other to say the same thing and add "bait" at the end. Example: fish --> fish bait fish (fish bait) dolphin (dolphin bait) seal (seal bait) I master (I masturbate!)

Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen, and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal. Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule." Harry says, "It's not a mule, Benny, it's a donkey." As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a priest, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had no frontal lobe.

"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."

Whats the difference between a black man and a farm tractor? Nothing! The tractor is just an upgrade!

WIKIPEDIA: I know everything. GOOGLE: I have everything. FACEBOOK: I know everybody. INTERNET : You're all nothing without me. ELECTRICITY: Keep talking, bitches!

A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa only has three Ho's.

Billy was walking in a shopping center with his mom, and suddenly she stopped to pick up a penny. When she reached out for it, he saw armpit hair. Frightened, he said, "You're not my mom! I'm calling the police." The man pulled off his mask and said, "Okay, you got me. But tell me one thing. How did you know I wasn't your mom?" "Because my mom's not Jewish."