A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife, a blonde, to give me a hand starting the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start. She said "fine!", hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming and wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, and I suddenly

Two Arab fathers are showing each other their family photos. One shows the other a picture and says "This is my oldest, he is a martyr. This is my second oldest, he is also a martyr." The other Arab father just sighs and says "Ahh, they blow up so quickly these days!"

During work Mike and John are chatting, Mike: "I've been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week." John: "Oh!" Mike: "For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?" John: "No." Mike: "He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this." The next day the same discussiontook place: Mike: "Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?" John: "No." Mike: "He is the author of "The 3 Musketeers". If you took night courses you would know this." The next day, once again: Mike: "And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?" John: "No." Mike: "He's the author of "Confessions", if you took night courses you would know this." Now this time Jo

There were two fish. The first says: "We're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, have sex, then die." The second says: "So we're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, then die?" First fish: "Yup" Second: "Are we gonna have sex?" First : "Yup" Second: "Ok count me in!"

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, "Good morning," and the echo came back, "Good morninginginging." Then the Frenchman said, "Bon jour," and the echo came back "Bon jourjourjour." Then the Chinese said, "Chang chiong shang zhang hu," and the echo came back, "Whatwhatwhatwhat?"

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn," to which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."

A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO

What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Yo momma so ugly when i punch her she looks better than before.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout." "I have whooping cough!" "Where did my bandage go?" "I think I'm going to puke." "I can compare myself to Rachel Ray! NOT!" "If I mess up one more time, I'm turning this blade on you." "I summon up my Eighth Amendment Right!" "I wanted to be an executioner!" "Burp!" "I just live here." "What color the meat is, I don't care! I'm not even wearing any underwear!" "Man, this place just stunk up bad." "You want fries with that?" "Johnny, my meat is on fire!" "Surreal."

Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?