Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated...

You're as funny as a ripped-up joke book!

A boy was trying to impress his mum on his new bike. He was going down the path and said to his mum, "Look, mum, no feet!" He then put his feet back on the bike and removed his hands from the handlebars. He then shouted, "Look, mum, no hands!" He then lost control of the bike and collided with a tree. His mum ran up to his side, whereas her son said, "Look, mum, no teeth."

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert "Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'." --Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get h

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 14 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns around and says "yes, no, yes, no....."

Two older women were picking up a third friend for their weekly lunch when they accidentally ran over and killed her cat. It wasn't a pretty sight, so rather than leave it for the woman's husband to find, they scooped it into a Foley's bag and took it with them, intending to throw it away in the restaurant's dumpster.Upon their arrival, they discovered that the dumpster was locked. Not wanting to leave the bag in the car, they put in on the ground next to the car and went inside to eat. From their window table they could clearly see the car and bag, and so noticed immediately when a woman walked by the closed bag, looked at it with interest, and went on. In a few minutes she returned, looked

Depending on how you ask the questions, you can force the answer you seek! Remember 43% of polls are wrong, the other 78% are made up! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down. Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out. 1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between. 2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9. 3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together. 4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it. 5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, and so on... 6. Take your letter, and think of

Two gay guys are having sex. The penis says to the asshole "you think you have it bad, I'm up to my nuts in shit over here!"

1/20/09: End of an Error That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight America: One Nation, Under Surveillance They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It Whose God Do You Kill For? Cheney/Satan '08 Jail to the Chief No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq? Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap Bad President! No Banana. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language We're Making Enemies Faster Than We C

Help.... The Titanic is going to sink. Everybody on the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then an Italian asks a nearby blond on the ship, Italian: "How far is land from here?" Blond: "Two miles." Italian: "Only two miles? Then why are these fools making so much noise? I can swim even further." The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the surface to ask something again. Italian: "Just tell me which side is the land two miles from here?" Blond: "Downwards......"