In a restaurant: ― Why are the meatballs of cubic shape? ― Perestroika! (restructuring) ― Why are they undercooked? ― Uskoreniye! (acceleration) ― Why are they bitten? ― Gospriyomka (state approval) ― Why are you telling me all this so brazenly? ― Glasnost! (openness)

A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: "What's so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky's mauser..."

Whats the difference between a black man and a farm tractor? Nothing! The tractor is just an upgrade!

Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework? Johnny: Its on Facebook. I've uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later.

god told moses to come forth but he tripped on a banana peel and came fifth

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa only has three Ho's.

What do you call a blind German? A not see!

In a 4 story building there lived 4 people: On the 1st floor lived a cop On the 2nd floor lived a thief On the 3rd floor lived a blind man On the 4th floor lived a very clean woman that took alot of showers. One day the woman on the 4th floor got into the shower. She heard a knock on the door. "Who is it?" she asked, "It's the cop". So the woman pur her robe on and went to open the door. "Wish me Mazel Tov!" said the cop. The woman asked him why, and he said: "Because I caught all the thiefs except one!". She says Mazel Tov and goes back to the shower. She heard another knock on the door. "Who is it?" she asked, "It's the thief". So the woman pur her robe on and went to open the door. "

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst i

A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?". "It's simple. You're just two tents".

Broccoli, while not exoccoli, Is within an inach of being spinach.

A man and his wife are in bed getting hot and heavy when the wife just pushes him away and says, "No, actually I don't feel like sex tonight. Could you just hold me?" The man very mad says, "What?! Why the hell can't we have sex??" The woman replies, "This is so typical, you have no idea what it's like to be a women! You just don't understand me!" And she turns over and goes to sleep. The next day the man tells his wife he is so sorry and to make up for his mistakes they are going to the mall. So the man takes her to the clothing department of a very expensive store and has her try on outfits. She can't decide which one she likes, so the man tells her to take them all. She jumps up and do