Popular Jokes
Why did Richard Nixon become President?
Everyone called him Dick! They judged him by his name!
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.
The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
The man said, "I was looking for my father."
My boyfriend was working in the souvenir shop at the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England. One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were approached by two tourists. "Are you a monk?" one of the women asked. "No," the attendant explained, "I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm not a member of any religious order." "Then where are the monks?" asked the woman. The man replied, "Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415." Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, "Betty, we missed the monks."
Special Cheesecake
One of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special cheesecake," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," she continued, "the ninth time around the bl
The once was a lung doctor waiting outside a patient's room of who she didn't know. A different doctor came up to her with a shot canister and said 'I need you to go in the and draw blood from this guy' 'Ok, simple!' she responded. She walks in the room and there strapped down to the table was a big muscley guy who was in there for taking drugs.' He sits there struggling to get out. The wrist bands look as if they're about to break. The lung doctor storms out of there and spots the doctor. She says 'Ok if you want to get a needle stuck and play hostage today that's fine. But there's no way in hell I'm going in there and sticking that hulk with a needle' She hands him the shot canister and wa
Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, "How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?"
"I'm the class of 2006. I just graduated from Harvard and I'm very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!"
The driver shakes the young man's hand and replies, "Congratulations, young man. I'm George, class of 1968."
Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness.
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Well, this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
What do you mean, he's not insured?
Let's hurry; I don't want to miss "Baywatch."
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Some of the replies given by a group of five to seven year olds from New York State who were asked, "How are babies made?"
"Mom makes babies with Dr. Roberts. I dunno how they do it."
"If a man and a woman love each other very, very much, the woman will grow a baby inside her body."
"Dad has a carrot that he plants in Mom's cabbage patch. About a year later the baby has been grown."
"Mom collects the babies from the hospital where they are born somehow."
"Mom takes a pill every day and it's a baby pill. It makes a baby grow inside her tummy. When it's one year old it comes out of her and cries."
"Mom and Dad are happy together and then a baby comes along."
"The father gives the mother
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is asked to make a statement. "Okay, Phillips," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Fred Wilson was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir."
"Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room! I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
Home
