Two friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said: " You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it."

A man was buying a horse and was given a few simple instructions. To make the horse walk, he would say "few." To make the horse run, he would say "many." To make the horse stop he would say "amen." On the man's first ride all was going well. "few!" the man shouted and the horse began to walk. "many!" the man shouted and the horse began to run. But the man had forgotten the word to make the horse stop as it ran towards the edge of a cliff. The man shouted in terror "Lord! Please save me! Amen!" And of course the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff-face. The man then mopped his brow and said "Phew! that was clo- AAAAARRRRGHHH!!"

You call me ugly? Where is your mirror, boy?

Confucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok

Yo mama is so old Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died. Yo mama so old her social security number is 1! Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

A blonde and her friends at a military camp had been taken out to play a game of paintball. Her team all bundle into their trench and prepare for the game. Suddenly, the whistle blows to signal the start of the game and the group-leader shouts, "Fire at will!" As the rest of the blonde's group start firing she turns to the group-leader and asks, "Which one's Will?"

*Do You Love As Good As You Look? *Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life *Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure *Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares *How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? *Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral *I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling *I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me *I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart *I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You *I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! *I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win *I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy *I'm Just A Bug On The

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!" The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side! ************************************************************ Q: Why did the punk rock star cross the road? A: Because he was stapled to the chicken!

"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father. "Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age." "Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or t

Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated...