A young couple decide to have sex for the first time so they go to the store to buy condoms. They find a popular brand and bring it to the register. The price on the box is $1.00 but when the cashier totals up the price it comes to $1.07. The couple asks what the extra 7 cents is for. The cashier replies back "tax." Then the young man says "I was wondering what held it on.

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

A policeman pulled a blonde over because she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

Teacher: Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?! Pupil: I am trying my best to pay as little attention as I can!!

There was a man who had problems with his penis getting hard. So he went to a doctor and said,"Doctor, can you please help me?" The doctor said,"Well we can put on replacement penis." There was a wood one, a metal one, and a 20 foot penis. The man said,"Yes, that will really help.. I'll take the wood one." The doctor told him to come back the next day to let him know how he liked it. The next day he came back and said,"Doctor, the wood penis is giving my girlfriend splinters and we can't have that." The doctor said,"Well, try the metal one and come back and tell me how it works." The next day he came back and said,"Doctor, its not working right. It's too cold for my girlfriend." The d

Once upon a time, there was a prince who was under a terrible spell. He could only say one word per year. Then one day, he saw a beautiful princess. He fell in love with her. He vowed to ask her hand in marriage. However, because of the spell, he had to wait for 7 whole years to propose. On the starting of the 8th year, the prince went to the princess' castle. Knelt down in front of her and said, "I love you, will you marry me?" The princess tossed her enchanting golden hair, straightened her crown, parted her cherry-red lovely lips and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. What did you say?"

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex any more as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee b

What did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a "barter" day tomorrow.

BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...