An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had no frontal lobe.

The following is based off a true story. In my high school english class our english teacher Ms. Simoff had given us homework to do and if we didn't do it we wouldn't be allowed to watch a movie. The next day my friend Jason came in and told the teacher that he did not do his homework. The teacher sent him to another classroom to finish his work. When he asked why he was in trouble Ms. Simoff said, "Because you didn't do what I asked you to last night." The class proceeded to burst into laughter.

Girl eagerly asks her boyfriend "Where is my birthday gift?" The boyfriend points to a sports car across the street and says "You see that beautiful and expensive Ferrari on the other side of the road?" Girl gets excited and screams, "Yeah!" Boy, also excitedly, says, "Well, I got you the same color nail varnish!"

One day, a kindergarten teacher, who was incidentally blonde, gave everybody a set of crayons and told them to draw something with it. The teacher noticed that Little Johnny had drawn a sun enclosed in a box with rays shining out of it. 'Johnny,' said the teacher with a confused look. 'Did your grandparents come from Japan?' 'No, Macedonia,' said the colour blind child.

‪16.‬A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expe

An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst i

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.

Tarzan swings through the air Tarzan loses his underwear Tarzan says "Me no care, Jane make me another pair." Boy swings through the air Boy loses his underwear Boy says "Me no care, Jane make me another pair." Cheetah swings through the air Cheetah loses his underwear Cheetah says "Me no care, Jane make me another pair." Jane swings through the air Jane loses her underwear Jane says "Me no care, Tarzan like me better bare!"

3 men were sitting in a plane. They were talking about peace when the subject of weapons came up. They decided to never use weapons again to hurt anyone else. The first man pulled out a heavy rock from under his seat and said, "I used to throw rocks like this at people I disliked. Now I know better," and with that he yanked open the emergency exit and tossed out the rock. The second man pulled out a knife and decided he didn't want to harm anyone either, so he tossed it out the open door. The third man gets up and opens the storage compartment and takes out a bomb. "Well, I always carry one of these around, I always wondered what it would be like to set it off. Now I know better," and he tos

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