Popular Jokes
It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain t he same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman.
My name is Doug .... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Ernestine.
When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Ernestine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf
A zebra had died and when he got to Heaven he asked the guard, out of curiosity, if he was white with black strips or black with white strips. The guard said that he would see God roaming around Heaven and the zebra could ask Him. A couple weeks later he finally sees God and asks, "Out of curiosity, am I white with black stripes or black with white strips." God answered, "You are what your are." The zebra was puzzled, but went along anyway. A few days later the zebra sees the guard again. The guard said, "So did you see God? What did he say?" The zebra replied, "Well, he said 'You are what are what your are.'" The guard goes, "Oh, then it means that you are white with black stripes.
Goldilocks was walking along one sunny afternoon when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with three bowls of steaming porridge. "Hello?" she called out, but no one was home. She tried the first bowl, but it was too hot. She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. Then she tried the third bowl, and it was just right.
"Wow," she said, once she had finished the meal. "Now I'm feeling very sleepy." So she wandered around looking for a bed. She couldn't find one anywhere on the bottom floor.
Finally, she found a staircase at one end of the house. She climbed up the steps and went into the first room. Th
Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them...
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER [your name].
I'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick aunt.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down.
I'd love to, but I need to eat some food for thought.
I'd love to, but I've already used up eight of my nine lives.
I'd love to, but the jury is still out.
I'd love to, but I'm going to catalog my cutlery collection.
I'd love to, but my cat has a yeast infection.
I'd love to, but it's against my religion.
I'd love to, but the voices say that if I go to work/school, then I will have to sacrifice an animal/smal
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I d
There were three prisoners who were about to be executed by the electric chair. The guards strapped down the first one, a Frenchman, onto the chair, and they asked him for his last words.
"Vive la France!" he said, meaning 'Long live France'.
When they pulled the switch, nothing happened. Everyone was amazed and thought that a miracle had occurred. The Frenchman was saved from death and released.
The guards strapped the second one, an Englishman, in the chair. When asked for his last words, he said, "Long live the Queen!"
Again, when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. He was saved and released.
When they asked the last prisoner who was an Irishman for his last words, he sa
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and
danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine
What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister, a married man, experienced, for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply; Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge - A rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is
definitely
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