How many movie stars does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he takes one step up the ladder and then his stunt double takes over!

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally." The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?" "Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000, you get $2,000." "What about my furniture? I paid for that." "Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen." There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What abou

How do you know you have a queer Jew? He likes money more than girls.

Whats the object of Jewish football? To get the quarter back.

Can you decipher this phrase? T T T U I U L P L I T I P O P S E S Tiptoe through the tulips!

Yo momma so fat, when she wears a yellow shirt and goes outside, the sun gets jealous! Yo momma so ugly, I don't know who you and her are related! Yo momma so old, fat, ugly, and stupid, people are still wondering why your dad married her! Yo momma so stupid, she cheated off herself! Yo momma so fat, if she stops eating, it would end world hunger! Yo momma so gassy, she started global warming! Yo momma so fat, everytime she farts people think there's an earthquake! Yo momma so short, I saw her feet in her driver's license! Yo momma so fat, when she went to New York someone shouted "Hey look, it's King Kong" Yo momma so poor, when I visited you and picked up a penny, yo momma start

A few people wanted to ride a train. They brought the tickets and got on. Then they realized that the train didn't have bathrooms. One passenger had to go and he was not going to get off because the train could leave any moment. So he stuck his butt out the window and was in the middle of his business when suddenly someone annouced,"Hey! The passenger with the big face, you can't stick your head out the window and eat a huge piece of chocolate!!!!"

Yesterday my mother asked me to buy some stamps. Stamps, are available in 3p, 9p, 11p, 17p and 21p denominations. For three types of stamp I was asked to buy eight of each. For the other two types of stamp, I was asked to buy nine of each. Unfortunately I forgot which I was supposed to buy eight of and which to buy nine of. Luckily my mother had given me the exact money required to buy the stamps, £5.00 and the shopkeeper was able to give me the correct stamps. Which stamps did I buy? Eight lots of 11p, 17p and 21p and nine lots of 3p and 9p. The shopkeeper rightly figured that I required eight lots of each of the stamps, which came to £4.88, he also knew I required two more stamps w

You perverts..

I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.

Dad, have you got a ladder? Yes; why? I have to write an essay on an elephant!

In Chelm, the shammes used to go around waking everyone up for minyan (communal prayer) in the morning. Every time it snowed, the people would complain that, although the snow was beautiful, they could not see it in its pristine state because by the time they got up in the morning, the shammes had already trekked through the snow. The townspeople decided that they had to find a way to be woken up for minyan without having the shammes making tracks in the snow. The people of Chelm hit on a solution: they got four volunteers to carry the shammes around on a table when there was fresh snow in the morning. That way, the shammes could make his wake up calls, but he would not leave tracks in the s