Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house. Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass. Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A. From a catalogue. Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? A. He thought it was a delivery service. Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A. A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? A. She wants to be the first lady. Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? A. When Hillary is out of town. Q.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The hamster stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the hamster

A man was staying over at a farmer's house for the night. However, the farmer warned: "My daughter is sleeping in the room next door. I'm going to put a wall of eggs around her bed to make sure that you don't go near her, understand?" The man nodded weakly, for she saw the daughter and noticed she was very beautiful. That night, the man crept into the daughter's room, and sure enough, there was a wall of eggs surrounding her bed. Alas, the daughter's beauty was too much for the man, and he pushed through the wall of eggs and made love to her. Once they were finished, the man took out a mop and cleaned the mess up. He then used super glue to glue the eggs back together and restack them. He

There was this blonde who had taken up golf for a long time. When she was ready to play, the 1st round she came back in 20 minutes and told the pro she was stung by a bee. He asked where. She said, "Between the first hole and the second hole." He said, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot, everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" Teacher, "Are you sure about that?" Little Johnny, "Yes, he uses the small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and the big long one to brush the baby-sitter's teeth."

Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, "How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?"

Yo Momma's so old, she babysat Yoda!!

Yo dadda liked women until he saw yo momma.

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?" "A mongoose." "What for?" "Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection." "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favourite song. After he located it, he realized that he had forgotten his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?" To this he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."