Before he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. "Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house." Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."

What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? The water bottle hit Justin Bieber first.

I used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it. I've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it?

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.

Me: "Sir, would you like to use any coupons today?" Customer: "Yes, I've been saving them. Here you go!" (He hands me a coupon that had expired five years previously.) Me: "Sir, your coupon is expired." Customer: "WHAT?! What do you mean its expired? You f***ing b****, you're just trying to steal my f***ing money! You're trying to rob me! You and this f***ing company are trying to steal my f***ing money!" (The customer attempts to climb over the counter and attack me. Thankfully, my manager intercepts him.) Manager: "Sir, I need you to come with me." (My manager hauls the customer off counter by the back of his collar and drags him outside. Ten minutes pass, and he comes back in hauli

Customer: "Are you Hispanic?" Me: "No." Customer: "Middle Eastern?" Me: "No." Customer: "Egyptian?" Me: "No." Customer: "What are you?" Me: "Chinese." (customer puts on offended face) Customer: "I don't appreciate you treating me like I'm dumb." Me: "Excuse me? I'm being honest." Customer: "NO CHINESE PERSON WOULD EVER HAVE EYES AS BIG AS YOURS!!!" Me: *mouth wide open*

Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied. "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"

"He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke."

It has been determined. The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.