The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that in Moscow, Mercedes cars are being given to citizens?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, but it is not Moscow but Leningrad, not Mercedes but Ladas, and not given to but stolen from."

Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile. Maid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!

Before he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside. "Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house." Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."

What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? The water bottle hit Justin Bieber first.

I used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it. I've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it?

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" —Conan O'Brien "The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." —David Letterman "Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" —Craig Ferguson "Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." —Craig Ferguson

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.

Me: "Sir, would you like to use any coupons today?" Customer: "Yes, I've been saving them. Here you go!" (He hands me a coupon that had expired five years previously.) Me: "Sir, your coupon is expired." Customer: "WHAT?! What do you mean its expired? You f***ing b****, you're just trying to steal my f***ing money! You're trying to rob me! You and this f***ing company are trying to steal my f***ing money!" (The customer attempts to climb over the counter and attack me. Thankfully, my manager intercepts him.) Manager: "Sir, I need you to come with me." (My manager hauls the customer off counter by the back of his collar and drags him outside. Ten minutes pass, and he comes back in hauli

Customer: "Are you Hispanic?" Me: "No." Customer: "Middle Eastern?" Me: "No." Customer: "Egyptian?" Me: "No." Customer: "What are you?" Me: "Chinese." (customer puts on offended face) Customer: "I don't appreciate you treating me like I'm dumb." Me: "Excuse me? I'm being honest." Customer: "NO CHINESE PERSON WOULD EVER HAVE EYES AS BIG AS YOURS!!!" Me: *mouth wide open*

Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied. "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

A blonde and a brunette go parachuting. The blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord, and slowly drifts in the air and enjoys the view. The brunette jumps after her and pulls her parachute cord, but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, but still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet! The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "So, you want to race, do you?"