Tommy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Tommy. Six months later the doctor met Tommy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut th

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."

You might be a redneck if all of your good clothes have come from cases of beer!

You can pick your friends, You can pick your nose; But you cant pick your friends nose.... What true words....!

You might be a redneck if both you and your wife wore ponytails on your wedding day.

We all know that Hilary Duff dyed her hair blonde, but the turning point when she actually BECAME a blonde was in a song she wrote. It was the following: "When the light is off then it isn't on." From the song "So Yesterday."

A man hated the Trojans. He loved USC. Why? He hated using Trojan condoms. He wanted to have sex the o'natural way.

Yo dadda liked women until he saw yo momma.

True Story: My aunt and her son were coming to our house to view an old slide show of London. Currently, my aunt has grey hair. In the slides she had black hair. My dad tells my cousin, "See, your mother doesn't look old here." He replies, "Well, you can also see when the Hampton Court Palace was new."

Q: How do you know when a blonde is on her period? A: She only has on one sock!

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force. "If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked. Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"