A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all of the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys; they're assholes!"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor, who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said, " You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150, "for legal consultation".

It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, good evening, sir!" The general, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, "Good evening, soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well, it wasn't a nice night, but the private wasn't going to disagree with the general, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, yes sir!" The general continued, "You know, there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The private didn't agree, but then the private w

In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, & so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin. Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.

I cannot see, I cannot pee; I cannot chew, I cannot screw; Oh, my God, what can I do? My memory shrinks, My hearing stinks, No sense of smell - I look like hell My mood is bad - can you tell? My body's drooping, Have trouble pooping; The Golden Years have come at last - The Golden years can kiss my ass

Q:How many Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 3! 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb, the other 2 need to be there so he can brag about the screwing part!

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe" = No "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry "We need" = I want "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now "Sure... go ahead"  = I don't want you to "I'm not upset"  = Of course I'm upset, you moron! "We need to talk"  = I need to complain "You're certainly attentive tonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about? "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs "This kitchen is so inconvenient"   = I want a new house "I want new curtains"  = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... "I heard a noise"  = I noticed you were almost asleep "Do you love me?"  = I'm going to ask for something expensive "How much do yo

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was. --Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women. --Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse. --Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants... --Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON. --Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggot!" while watching "Mr. Rogers". --Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35. --I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!! --Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum. ...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For D

Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt? They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon h

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

A blonde woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know