You used to have two brains. One you lost a long time ago, and the other one went looking for it!

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In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Knock Knock! Who's there? Moo, moo, who. Moo, moo, who, who? Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? "It's Christmas, Eve!"

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion: 1) The woman buys the food. 2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the

Q: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies? A: A bad "Hare" day

Little Johnny's mum was sitting in front of computer while Johnny was making sandwiches. She said to Johhny, "You're the best sandwich maker ever," and Johnny says "No mum, you're just lazy." hahahahahahahahahahaha

A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ...BUMP, it goes.. ...BUMP.. ...BUMP.. Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.. Faster.. FASTER.. BUMP.. BUMP.. BUMP! He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP.. Clappity-BUMP.. Clappity-BUMP.. Hot on the heels of the terrified m

"Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off." Make sense? It should be- "Charles the First walked and talked. Half an hour after, his head was cut off."

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."

A pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"