Popular Jokes
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll crap!"
Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.
1 How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
2 What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
3 Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.
4 Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
No smoking.
5 How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
6 Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
7 How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
8 Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
9 Why don't blo
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up.
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars.
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhou
A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?"
His dad said, "Yeah."
The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've some thin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery."
" Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fac
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother, after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night, and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked,"Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
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