There were three prisoners who were about to be executed by the electric chair. The guards strapped down the first one, a Frenchman, onto the chair, and they asked him for his last words. "Vive la France!" he said, meaning 'Long live France'. When they pulled the switch, nothing happened. Everyone was amazed and thought that a miracle had occurred. The Frenchman was saved from death and released. The guards strapped the second one, an Englishman, in the chair. When asked for his last words, he said, "Long live the Queen!" Again, when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. He was saved and released. When they asked the last prisoner who was an Irishman for his last words, he sa

Rules For Chocolate =================================== If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,

Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope." "Meet the biggest liar in the state!"

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster, where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slic

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill. God said: "I'm going

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" - Bruce Baum Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane What happens

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?" "I could tell you, madam," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then... Just tell my husband!"

JUST because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. That is what their students are for.

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: They already have boyfriends. Q: Why is it that an archaeologist is the best man to have as a husband? A: The older you get the more he is interested in you. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow! Q: Why are blond jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Man: I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothing to put in it. Woman: You wear a pants, don't you? Man: God, why did you make my girlfriend so beautiful and caring?" God: So you would love her. Man: But God, why did you make h

There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today the had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they'll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy".

A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"