Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him!

A woman goes into a doctor's office complaining that she has constant pains in her stomach. The doctor brings her into the examining room and asks, "Well, Ma'am, are you constipated?" The woman replies, "No, I am not. I go to the bathroom every morning at 8:15, just like clockwork." The doctor asks, "Every day, are you sure?" The woman replies, "Yes, I never miss a day, every day at 8:15am I am on the toilet." Well, the doctor ponders this because obviously the woman is not constipated so he sends her for a battery of tests. The doctor calls the lady a couple of days later and has her come into his office. "Well, Ms., I have found the problem it seems that you have 3 tapeworms in your st

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson. "I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A" All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple". "Very good", said the teacher, "now B". Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball". This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there

Glow in the dark sunglasses A book on how to read A dictionary index Watermelon seed sorter Zero proof alcohol Reusable ice cubes See through toilet tissue Skinless bananas Do it yourself roadmap

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant. Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money. Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck. Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs? A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year! Q: Why do t

1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada 2. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had

Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, "This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!"

The Perfect Halloween Costume A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please fin

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.

You might be a redneck if you were married in a laundromat.

Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots ! Student: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home