Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him. "Max," says Nathan, "we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more gl

Yo momma's lips are so big, she made Angelina Jolie jealous!

Knock-knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and answer the door!

Real headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts. The man asks "Was that me, or you?"

Knock, knock! Who's there? Delores. Delores who? Delores my shepherd...

How does boodler reproduce? By Fucking Battery's fat-Shit-and-cum filled ass

A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by the policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say "moron", you obviously refer to our tsar".

I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget...Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson "President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson "Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson "I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I

A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?'

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.