You're so stupid, you traded your car in for petrol!

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited. "Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George. "George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam. "Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions. "Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again). DAY 762 - Slept al

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more. "Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling. "Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on. He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily. "If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom. When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, "Good morning," and the echo came back, "Good morninginginging." Then the Frenchman said, "Bon jour," and the echo came back "Bon jourjourjour." Then the Chinese said, "Chang chiong shang zhang hu," and the echo came back, "Whatwhatwhatwhat?"

Two Saudis emigrated to America with their families. On the plane ride over they made a bet about who could become more "Americanized" in their first year. As agreed, they met exactly one year later. The first guy pulled up in his Hummer and said to the second guy "I win. There's no way you can beat me: I just dropped my son off at Little League, I'm on my way to pick my daughter up from cheerleading practice, and I stopped at McDonalds on my way here." And the second guy said "Fuck you, towelhead!"

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Husband walks into his house with a chicken under his arm and says "Honey I want you to meet the pig I've been fucking." Wife looks at him and says "dear, that's a chicken not a pig!" Husband says "Shut up bitch I wasn't talking to you!"

Ghost Poopie The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. Clean Poopie The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more. Turtle Poopie The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out Pop-a-Ve

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietitian." Nina asks, "Why?" Rosy answers, "'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen." Nina replies, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."