BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes.But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to d

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who is used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the t

A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?" She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"

This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy! Please do the following: 1. Open Google. 2. Type, "french military victories". 3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky. 4. Enjoy!

There were 2 men sitting next to each other in a hospital waiting room. Feeling a little akward, one man turns to the other and asks, "So what are you in here for?". Leaning closer to the other man so as to wisper because of embarasment, the first man replies,"I have a green ring around my penis!" Shocked, the second man replies,"that's so weird, I have a red ring around mine." well time passes an the second man gets called into the doctors office. a little while later the man comes out and walks by the first man with a big smile on his face telling him that he was fine and that he will be too. so the first man gets called into the doctors office. the doctor started to examine him. after

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth? Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves. Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line? Student: Yes, Sir. Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes? Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: Hire yew - noun. Greeting - How are you - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Howdy. How are you." Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." Jawjuh - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Atlanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." Munts - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munt

Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, good evening, sir!" The general, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, "Good evening, soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well, it wasn't a nice night, but the private wasn't going to disagree with the general, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, yes sir!" The general continued, "You know, there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The private didn't agree, but then the private w