Why wasn't Jesus born in Japan? He couldn't find three wise men or a virgin there.

Customer: "Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!" Cashier: "Sir, I already told you... we don't have ANY hammers back here that aren't already stocked on the shelves." Customer: "LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!" (At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what's going on; note that I'm the manager.) Me: "Is there a problem?" Customer: "Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!" Me: "Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don't have what you're looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–" C

Customer: "Are you Hispanic?" Me: "No." Customer: "Middle Eastern?" Me: "No." Customer: "Egyptian?" Me: "No." Customer: "What are you?" Me: "Chinese." (customer puts on offended face) Customer: "I don't appreciate you treating me like I'm dumb." Me: "Excuse me? I'm being honest." Customer: "NO CHINESE PERSON WOULD EVER HAVE EYES AS BIG AS YOURS!!!" Me: *mouth wide open*

A blonde and a brunette go parachuting. The blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord, and slowly drifts in the air and enjoys the view. The brunette jumps after her and pulls her parachute cord, but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, but still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet! The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "So, you want to race, do you?"

My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.

The beautiful, vain blonde was visiting Las Vegas for the first time. She approached the roulette wheel, but it looked very confusing. "How should I bet?" she asked the man standing beside her. "Try betting your age," he suggested. So the blonde put $500 on the number 32. The ball landed on 36, and the blonde promptly fainted.

If my dog was as ugly as your mom, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards!

Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back!

What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly!

What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself. After he was given the check, he summoned the head waiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners and thrown into the gutter just as if I were a bum!" "I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-" "Oh it's quite all right!" interrupted the gentleman, but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."