What do you call a nun that becomes an attorney? Sister in law!

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: The Trip to the Hospital First child: Every time we felt the slightest B & H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows. Second child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet. Third child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When

A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife. "What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells. "I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.

A blonde, carrying a baby in her arms, enters a pharmacy and asks to use the infant scale to weigh the baby. The clerk explains that the infant scale is out for repair, but she could figure out the infant's weight by weighing mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "Oh, that will never work!" groaned the blonde. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt!"

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

A guy in sitting in a bar hving a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. The guy's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, "If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! In frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!" the alien smiles and sticks his finger in

Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.

You might be a redneck if... The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.

You might be a redneck if... You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and p

Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have? Justin: Huge hands sir

Four friends are at a bar one night when they spy a gorgeous woman sitting down at a table. They know they can't all have her so they decide to take turns trying to get the girl. The first friend walks up to the woman and says "Is it hot in here or is it just you"? The woman replies by turning away and the man plods back sadly to his friends. The second friend sits down next to her and very romantically states "heaven must be missing an angel". The lady tells him to leave so he goes back to sit with his friends. The third friend orders her a drink and sits down with her. He places his hand on her leg and before he can utter a word she calls security and he gets thrown out the bar. The fourth