Q: how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb A: 3, one to screw in the light bulb an 2 to listen to him brag about the "srewing" part

Waiter, why is my food all mushed up? -Well, you did ask me to step on it. Waiter, these eggs are bad. -Don't blame me. I only laid the table. Waiter, is there soup on my menu? -No, I wiped it off.

A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas. The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote "My home is near the Colourado River." as part of her work.

One day a blonde went into a restaurant and decided she was going to order the free birthday dessert, even though it wasn't her birthday. A month later on her real birthday she went back to the restaurant with her family, and they had the same waiter. She ordered the dessert again and the waiter recognized her. This was her excuse: "Oh that wasn't me that was my twin sister." Let's just say she wasn't going back anytime soon.

How do you make a reindeer fast? Don't feed it.

One day there was a blonde, brunette, and a red-head. (How often do ya hear that? A lot!) The brunette said, "Wanna go out for a bite?" "Sure," said the blonde. A guy walked down the street and the blonde said, "I call him!" The blonde went and got him to bite her. "Why did ya do that," asked the brunette? "I got a BITE."

Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top. "What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked. "A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered. "What for?" "I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them." "But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle. Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat."

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

Q: How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101, one to hold the lightbulb and 100 to spin the house!

Yo mamma is so poor, when I told her she eats dirt, she said to me,"No way, that stuff is for rich people!"

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person - but say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office quite excited.

Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread? Son: I don't know. Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.