A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream. The reply is: -You will win, that meant the speed and the strength of the horses. But, to be sure about this, the runner visits another fortune-teller. This one replies: -You will lose. Don't you understand, that four ones came before you?

The other day, I bought a packet of air. I was surprised to find a few potato chips inside it. -Dedicated to Lays

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him,

A man was on a bridge as a news reporter walked by. She was told that if she didn't cover another story in 2 hours, she'd be fired. All of a sudden, the man starts to count "1,2,.." "Wait!" interrupts the reporter. "What is it?" "What are you trying to do?" "I'm going to commit suicide." "May I join you?" "Certainly." The two shout "1,2..." They're interrupted by a man walking down the street. "May I join you?" he asks. "Sure." "1,2..." As soon as the two men said 3, they jumped off, but the clever reporter stayed behind. "3,2,1, and cue!" "Good evening, I am just arriving at the scene of a crime. Two men just jumped off of this bridge."

There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, "Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?" So she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands. Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry she said to herself, "Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub?" She stood there, just thinking about it. Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, "Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as the other two!" She knocked on the table. "Was that the

A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up." After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."

3 men were on the way to Heaven, but God would only let the man with the worst death in. The first man says, "Well, I was on the way to my apartment because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So when I got to my apartment on the 3rd story, my wife was in the shower, but there was a guy hanging from a window sill. I step on his fingers, but he didn't budge. So I took a hammer and smashed his fingers so he fell, but wasn't dead. So I took the refrigerator and threw it down on him. I got a heart attack because it was the first time I killed someone." The second man says, "I was climbing down the stairs of my apartment on the 4th story when I tripped, and I was hanging on a window sill. A g

One day an elderly couple was out for an afternoon drive and had to stop for gas. Attendant: " Would you like me to check the oil?" Wife: "What did he say?" Husband: "He wants to know if I want the oil checked." Attendant: "Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?" Wife: "What did he say?" Husband: "He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up." When the attendant heard them talking, he asked, "By the way, where are you from?" The husband replied, "We are from Nova Scotia." "Ah," said the attendant. "Years ago I was in Nova Scotia and had the worst love affair ever." The wife said, "What did he say?" Husband: "He thinks he knows you!"

Yo mama is so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice!!!