Knock knock? Who's there? Madame. Madame who? Madame foot is stuck in the door!! (My damn foot is stuck in the door.)

You might be a redneck if your bar tab has page numbers.

Why did Richard Nixon become President? Everyone called him Dick! They judged him by his name!

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock." She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!" He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together. "Oh, this is awful," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in." Suddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. "Lucifer," he said, "this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

"Do you want me to give you a knuckle sandwich?" "Sure, but I want it cut into triangles and with the crust peeled off."

The university's gymnasium hallway displayed basketball team pictures from the past forty years. In every photo, one player, sitting front row center, held a basketball identifying the year of the team: 94-95, 95-96, 96-97, 97-98, etc. One day, a senior on the basketball team noticed a cute, blonde freshman cheerleader staring curiously at the photos. The senior, hoping to score a few points off the court, commented about the team's history. Impressed, the cute, blonde freshman cheerleader said: "Isn't it amazing how the teams always won by just one point?"

One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll have those mirrors removed right away!"

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President." Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?" The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."