What is 4-2? two. What is 8-6? two. Who wrote Tom Sawyer? Twain Now say the answers altogether. Two two Twain. Have a nice twip!

One morning, during breakfast, I say, "I had the strangest dream. It was about aliens." My mother asks, "What are aliens?" My father asks, "What kind?"

Knock-Knock! Who's there? Chugga Chugga Chooch Chugga Chugga Chooch Who? Wheeee!! A train! All aboard!

THE COMMON FART The Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the "Ripper", but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence.. Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart. THE ANXIOUS FART The Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts. They are generally cont

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!" 2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over. 3. Ask Scottie to beam you up. 4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower. 5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." T

Here is a list of some really stupid laws I've seen: Alaska- You can't wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture. Florida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays. Idaho- You can't fish from the back of a camel. (Who has a pet camel in Idaho anyway?!?) Oklahoma-Whaling is illegal. (hint-there aren't any oceans or whales in Oklahoma!) You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors. Baldwin Park, California- You can't (and why would you?) ride bicycles in swimming pools. Houston, Texas- You can't sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. Lexington, Kentucky- You can't carry an ice

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, men will screw anything.

A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop. Guy: I'd like a cheesecake, please. Receptionist: Sure. The receptionist hands him a block of cheese. Guy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake? Rec: You have to purchase that seperately. Guy: What the ----? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well. Rec: Good. I knew you'd understand. The Rec hands him the cake. Guy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake? Rec: You blend it. Guy: With what? The Rec hands him a blender. The guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it. Guy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it? Rec: Oh ---- you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake f

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell lik

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit int

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.